Friday, April 22, 2011

On thinking and isolation.


Lately I have been thinking a lot about isolation. As in, I tend to isolate myself a lot. In general, I don't have a LOT of friends, but I do have a few really close friends. Probably about ten girls and guys that I talk to on a regular basis outside of Nick. But I rarely see them. Besides friends from school (then) and work who I see on a regular basis, I really don't do much with other people (besides Nick, but he doesn't count much, as much as I love him). I've been thinking about this a lot since Buffalo, and before that even. Since Lauren moved to Lexington for her new nursing job, and since Nicole moved to Buffalo to live near her family, I have really been secluding myself. Besides the occasional get together with Chelsey, Lori, and Kristin from cohort (the education program at UC) and hanging out with my friend Kyle or family members, I pretty much tend to stay home, read a book, watch a movie, craft, or clean. Honestly, besides work and Nick, I spend most of my time with my furry babies.

This trend started when Nick lived in his last apartment. For some reason, we started going out a lot less, and hung out at home a lot more. And this was great when he worked a normal 9-5 schedule, and there were roommates for company. Then student teaching happened, and we moved into an apartment of our own. During student teaching, I basically had no energy or desire to do anything. Ever. I really just wanted to hang out in the apartment, sleep, read, or lounge all the time. I was always exhausted and didn't care much to spend time with other people after spending 7 hours a day with high school kids. That translated to weekend nights and going out. Since we live above friends, we were still invited places, but I never wanted to go. And not being a huge drinker, I usually just stayed home while Nick went since bars never really entertained me much. Even sometimes when I come home to stay at my parents house (about once a week or every other) I go straight to my room and blog (like I am now) or watch a movie. So it's obviously not because I don't like people. I do! I really do! Especially my own family.

This post is turning in to a huge rambling session, but I promise, there is a direction. I am not sure when or why it happened, but I have developed anxiety about getting together with people that I am not extremely close to, or can guarantee good conversation and fun with. For some reason, making plans with someone I don't know extremely well overwhelms me, and I find a reason not to do it. OR, I make plans, look forward to them, and then the night or day before suddenly get very anxious and call it off. Why do I do this?!?!

I isolate myself from so many possibly awesome relationships with people, and spend a lot of time alone and often bored. I can definitely say that it's not depression. I'm not sad when I spend my off days alone or just with Guillermo. I do go out and do a lot of things. Like shopping, and taking G to the park, but I prefer to do them alone. I want to want to pack my weekends and off days with friends and fun, but mostly I let Nick do the planning and follow along. Unless it's with my family or my close friends, or a group of people, I don't usually participate. This even translates into seeing people I know who come into work, or at the grocery, or at a roller derby match. I avoid at all costs running into them or having a conversation because I hate awkward hellos and goodbyes. And the weird thing is? Usually when I find myself in a situation like this, it's not even that awkward. I am a chatty, friendly person, and am easy to talk to. I find things to talk about, and can often end a conversation smoothly.

This, in turn, leads to friendships that fizzle and a lack of new friends. Unless there is more than one other person that I am going to hang out with (and this doesn't include those close friends that I have mentioned above and some lovely ladies that I talk to on a regular basis, but don't get to see much) that can occasionally take the attention off of me, I am most likely going to cancel or not make plans to begin with.

SIGH. Does anyone else have this issue?! I feel like I used to be extremely outgoing and easy to talk to, and in the last couple of years, I have sort of closed in on myself. I make it really hard for people to get to know me. Am I just a loner? Any tips on how I can branch out and make myself more comfortable around new people/friends??

If you've gotten to the bottom of this post, I appreciate you. !! <3 <3 Sorry for such a (kinda) downer post, but this is something I've needed to get off my chest for a while!

8 comments:

  1. So weird, I've actually been thinking about this a lot myself lately. Like right now, on a Friday night, I'm sitting at home by myself watching Netflix and cleaning my house....and I am having a truly awesome time. Like, it's so nice to be in my house alone, where it's quiet, just hanging out and cleaning and reorganizing. The boyf is out and about with friends, but I just don't feel like going out to join them. I'm much happier here by myself.

    And I love shopping by myself or running errands solo, or sitting by myself on the subway on the way home from work instead of sitting and chatting with my coworkers.

    I don't think there's anything wrong with it as long as we're happy. It's not like we're shutting ourselves out of the world or anything. We're just independent and fabulous! Obviously. I mean look at us, we're awesome.

    Keep crafting so that I can buy pretty things from you! That is an order!! Also, in the last post you said you weren't sure what platform you were going to use to sell them yet, and I think you should just move here and use my house as a store. A lot of artsy people live around me, it would be good for business. Jus sayinnn

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  2. Basically, THIS is why I love you. Thanks for making my stress seem like something awesome to be proud of :) ALSO I would love to move there and be your roommate/live-in-craft maker. Can we make this a reality?

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  3. I have this problem as well! I don't like going to new places, especially when I know there will be new people. Before Devin left for this tour, we went to his friend's house. I only knew one person there, who was in his room the whole time, so I sat in the living on a couch by myself and didn't utter a word the entire evening. I'm pretty sure all of the people there thought I was either a) a bitch; b) really weird; or c) both. I felt really sad when we left because that's not my personality AT ALL.

    This is happening more often than not, and I hate it! We'll just hang out with each other all the time & craft. That will solve all of our problems. ;)

    Love you, Steph.

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  4. Don't feel bad about not having a large quantity of friends. I don't either. I feel it's quality not quantity. :)

    Most of my friends from school are in a completely different stage in there life than I am. It feels weird hanging out with them almost. That sounds sad to say, but its almost not fun anymore. John has become my best friend and who I spend most of my time with.

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  5. I dont have a ton of friends either but the ones I do have are tight. I am very close to them. I think having those kind of friends is better than having a lot of friends. Well at least to me.

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  6. Chelsey - You know I love you :)

    Sarah - That does make me feel better, thank you!

    Amy - I agree with you; I just wish I made more time to spend with them!

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  7. Well...
    Sorry you inherited all of this crap from me. I don't like bars. I like to stay home and play guitar for my own personal pleasure. I like to work out (with my headset on) and enjoy rainy days. My wife (your mother) does all of our social scheduling and I would prefer that she minimizes that too. Oh well. I love you. c'mon over and blog!

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  8. I do this. The night before we've got plans, I'll start moaning about I don't want to go. My husband makes me go though and I always end up having a good time. I think a lot of the time the stress of getting ready and getting out the door and getting myself motivated just feels like way too much. I don't have big groups of friends either, just a handful of close friends.

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Thank you, as always, for stopping by! I appreciate you guys SOMUCH. I read and reply to EVERY comment, so leave as many as you like :) xoxo