Friday, April 22, 2011
On thinking and isolation.
Lately I have been thinking a lot about isolation. As in, I tend to isolate myself a lot. In general, I don't have a LOT of friends, but I do have a few really close friends. Probably about ten girls and guys that I talk to on a regular basis outside of Nick. But I rarely see them. Besides friends from school (then) and work who I see on a regular basis, I really don't do much with other people (besides Nick, but he doesn't count much, as much as I love him). I've been thinking about this a lot since Buffalo, and before that even. Since Lauren moved to Lexington for her new nursing job, and since Nicole moved to Buffalo to live near her family, I have really been secluding myself. Besides the occasional get together with Chelsey, Lori, and Kristin from cohort (the education program at UC) and hanging out with my friend Kyle or family members, I pretty much tend to stay home, read a book, watch a movie, craft, or clean. Honestly, besides work and Nick, I spend most of my time with my furry babies.
This trend started when Nick lived in his last apartment. For some reason, we started going out a lot less, and hung out at home a lot more. And this was great when he worked a normal 9-5 schedule, and there were roommates for company. Then student teaching happened, and we moved into an apartment of our own. During student teaching, I basically had no energy or desire to do anything. Ever. I really just wanted to hang out in the apartment, sleep, read, or lounge all the time. I was always exhausted and didn't care much to spend time with other people after spending 7 hours a day with high school kids. That translated to weekend nights and going out. Since we live above friends, we were still invited places, but I never wanted to go. And not being a huge drinker, I usually just stayed home while Nick went since bars never really entertained me much. Even sometimes when I come home to stay at my parents house (about once a week or every other) I go straight to my room and blog (like I am now) or watch a movie. So it's obviously not because I don't like people. I do! I really do! Especially my own family.
This post is turning in to a huge rambling session, but I promise, there is a direction. I am not sure when or why it happened, but I have developed anxiety about getting together with people that I am not extremely close to, or can guarantee good conversation and fun with. For some reason, making plans with someone I don't know extremely well overwhelms me, and I find a reason not to do it. OR, I make plans, look forward to them, and then the night or day before suddenly get very anxious and call it off. Why do I do this?!?!
I isolate myself from so many possibly awesome relationships with people, and spend a lot of time alone and often bored. I can definitely say that it's not depression. I'm not sad when I spend my off days alone or just with Guillermo. I do go out and do a lot of things. Like shopping, and taking G to the park, but I prefer to do them alone. I want to want to pack my weekends and off days with friends and fun, but mostly I let Nick do the planning and follow along. Unless it's with my family or my close friends, or a group of people, I don't usually participate. This even translates into seeing people I know who come into work, or at the grocery, or at a roller derby match. I avoid at all costs running into them or having a conversation because I hate awkward hellos and goodbyes. And the weird thing is? Usually when I find myself in a situation like this, it's not even that awkward. I am a chatty, friendly person, and am easy to talk to. I find things to talk about, and can often end a conversation smoothly.
This, in turn, leads to friendships that fizzle and a lack of new friends. Unless there is more than one other person that I am going to hang out with (and this doesn't include those close friends that I have mentioned above and some lovely ladies that I talk to on a regular basis, but don't get to see much) that can occasionally take the attention off of me, I am most likely going to cancel or not make plans to begin with.
SIGH. Does anyone else have this issue?! I feel like I used to be extremely outgoing and easy to talk to, and in the last couple of years, I have sort of closed in on myself. I make it really hard for people to get to know me. Am I just a loner? Any tips on how I can branch out and make myself more comfortable around new people/friends??
If you've gotten to the bottom of this post, I appreciate you. !! <3 <3 Sorry for such a (kinda) downer post, but this is something I've needed to get off my chest for a while!
Posted by Stephanie @Femmena Mala at 11:29 PM